With the start of the fall semester rapidly approaching, parents
of soon-to-be college first-years across the country are beginning
to prepare themselves mentally for the day their sons and
daughters leave home.
While some fathers and mothers who have been through the
experience say that it was a traumatic one, it doesn't have to be,
said Mark Thompson, director of Colgate University's Counseling &
Psychological Services. "There are healthy ways for today's
parents to stay connected with their kids, and maintain their
distance -- and sanity -- at the same time," he said.
Thompson -- himself the proud dad of a college undergraduate --
offered up his own advice for parents coping with separation
anxiety:
Be realistic about frequency of contact.
It may have been the norm for you and your child to talk
constantly during high school, but all bets are off once that
first semester begins, said Thompson. Answer e-mails and phone
messages promptly, but don't push it; a constant stream of
encouraging communiqués, though well-meaning, can sometimes
actually hinder a student's personal development. "Agree in
advance about how often and how you'll talk," he suggested.
"Through e-mail? On the phone? Who will call whom? Then you can
reassess once the semester starts."
Don't automatically push the panic button.
Many students go through bouts of homesickness after suffering a
major setback at college, so keep in mind that you might only hear
from your son or daughter at points of extreme distress, said
Thompson. "Your gut will probably tell you to try and save him
somehow, but you need to encourage him to solve his problems by
himself. Real growth happens at these types of moments, though
they may be heart-wrenching for you as a parent." But be sure and
ask pointed questions about the situation and how long your child
has been dealing with it. "You know your kid the best, so if you
think it's a crisis, don't hesitate to respond."
Educate yourself about your child's experience.
When you're feeling particularly lonely for your son or daughter,
take a minute and surf the website of the school's newspaper
(Colgate's Maroon News, for example, can be found at http://www.maroon-news.com/),
said Thompson. You'll feel better knowing what's happening on
campus, and you'll have fodder for future conversations with your
kid, he explained.
Fill the void.
Many mothers and fathers -- particularly those who have one child
or whose youngest is of college age -- find that sending their
babies off to college creates a feeling of hollowness in their
lives. Get rid of that void by filling it, advised Thompson. "Form
your own group of parents working through the same issues, and
schedule time for a regular dinner, movie, or some other kind of
get-together," he said. "It could be even simpler than that: Take
up a new hobby, join a book club, do something. You might even
discover something new about yourself in the process."
Negotiate school breaks well ahead of time.
It always pays to have something to look forward to, said
Thompson, and knowing when a son or daughter will return for
vacation and how long they'll be home -- particularly for children
of divorced parents -- is no exception. "Work out a schedule with
them beforehand, and actually mark off the days on the calendar,"
he said. "It will help the days pass faster."
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